Love Yourself First: Shifting In When Life is Chaotic on the Outside

Week 1:  Shifting In When Life is Chaotic on the Outside

Welcome to the first blog of seven aimed at bringing some awareness on how to put yourself first during this holiday season. Basically, from Halloween through New Years, we are constantly being invited, reminded, and inundated with our American culture about how to celebrate a series of holidays all crammed into 8 weeks.  It can bring out the stress in us, tension in our relationships, and become financially draining!  This blog will hopefully provide some insights on how you can step back, choose who you want to be, and how you would like to participate in this time of year. 

I have noticed some interesting issues about the holidays over the last few years.  They start earlier and earlier in the fall and keep escalating and telling us what we need to do to “rock” and outshine others this holiday.  In my work with parents, I am struck by a couple of key observations with my clients. 

First, we are struggling with codependence as a culture.   I define codependence as a reliance on what is outside of us: the external.  Think about it, we have learned to watch and scan the world out there, and react to it, copy it, or push away from it.  We watch for signs of what to do, when to plan, what to buy, what we need, and how we see ourselves.  The problem is, when we can only see ourselves in the external, we can be pulled and pushed in all the directions of others.  We can be swayed by others…. by our partners, our children, our co-workers, and by the media all too easily when we are reliant on these needs for our own sense of self.

The second observation is the way the holiday season is taking our reliance on the outside and moving us around like pawns on a chessboard.  We often are moved into places we may not want to be, or spending time with people, or spending money we do not really have or want to spend.  The holidays bring up an escalation of expectations, triggers and stressors that become one really yucky hot bed of emotions.  And we endure them, with a smile on our face, and wait it all out till after the New Years.

Do you feel this way?  Do you find yourself committing to more of these events and gatherings than you can realistically handle?  Is this based on obligations?  Or out of guilt?  Are you happy and excited with these reunions of family and friends yet at the end of the holidays, do you find you spent more than you wanted and wore yourself out? 

I have a quick exercise for you to consider.  It will only take a moment.   As you sit there reading this, settle in and get comfortable.  Relax your shoulders and your neck.  Put your feet on the ground and get yourself into a nice, rested space.

Ready?  Here we go….  Today is Sunday, November 23^rd, and there are 4 days till 
Thanksgiving. ….. only four days. 

Repeat to yourself: “Today is Sunday, November 23^rd, and there are 4 days till Thanksgiving. ….. only four days. “

Now stop.  Think about those four days ahead and then freeze.  Take a deep breath in and hold all you can of what you see and feel, then let it go as you exhale. 

Sit in this moment.

When you are ready, write down how you feel.  Can you identify any areas in your body that tightened up?  Where is this in your body?  Are there other places?

What images came into your head?  When you see these images, are they connected to any feelings in your body?  What memories, emotions and/or feelings arise?

Now that you have captured that snapshot: thank it and let it go. It has served you.

Give yourself a couple of these moments of breathe through out the week to create and grab an internal check in. You have created a way to stop the external and move inside. 

You have created a way to put yourself first.

This is a quick and easy way to do an internal check in when you are going into a week as packed full of memories, pains, joys, anticipations, and challenges as this one usually is.  If you can give yourself a couple of these little moments along the way to create and grab an internal check in, you will have a very valuable tool of information for what you can choose to do next.  You have created a way to stop the external and move inside.  You have created a way to put yourself first.

This is the last weekend before we all start the countdown to Thanksgiving.  Some of us will be alone, some of us will be working, many of us will be with family and friends.  Whatever it is you have planned, remember yourself in each day.  Take the time to open the door of your own feelings and let them guide you forward, so you can do the best you can with this holiday and celebration.

I will continue to take a deeper look at each week as we move towards the end of 2014 and offer some awareness and tools for you as you go along.  Next week we are going to explore how to prioritize the massive amounts of time and responsibilities ahead in the month of December, while honoring you and how you can support yourself.

Be well.  Love yourself first, so you can let that love spill onto others.

Denise

p.s.  Take this exercise with you over the next week and use it when you feel the need to stop and move inside for a moment.

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What do we do when our child is in a therapeutic program?

The life of a parent is often full of surprises and challenges.  One of our biggest challenges is how to reach out and get the support we need when our relationships, children, and family dynamics require us to shift and approach life differently.  This need goes up exponentially when you have an unhappy teen in the house tipping each of you into reaction much of the time.   Many of us have had to make difficult personal and financial choices to place our unhappy teen into a therapeutic program so they can get the support they need.  Although this is a stressful situation, there are also some of the hidden jewels and opportunities for us as parents in this process.

When we have a child acting out, with declining grades, accelerating behavior, challenging or breaking rules everywhere they can, they are indeed asking for help.  But what if it is more?  What if they are actually doing their best to throw off the thinly disguised façade of balance in the home?  What if they are doing all of this to teach us something?  Think about it.  They are desperately using their own life energy to get our attention.  More importantly, they are actually letting us know when we are inconsistent or indecisive, where we disagree with each other as co-parents, and how easily we can be split and manipulated.   They are exposing our weaknesses as parents.

For many of us, there is something in our family system that invites our kids to act out.  Our kids feel what goes on in the house.  They feel the unsaid words between us when we are not in agreement with each other.  They feel what we aren’t saying much more than what we do say.  To make it even more challenging, they feel our inner stories, the ones we can no longer see in ourselves, the unlived choices or desires of all the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s in our lives.  Our kids often feel our doubts and our fears, and they witness the struggles for power within our relationships.  It drives them crazy to witness our oblivious pretenses, and the frustration and pain they experience comes out sideways in school, with changes in lifestyle, and often very dangerous risk taking.

As a parent, when we get this, really get this, we have an opportunity to partner with our child.  We get an opportunity to co-create a different way of living, being, and interacting as a family and just as important, if not more, as a community of people under the same roof.  

We place our child into a program so they can push and shove and act out until they learn to trust that they are being seen and heard, and what they see and hear is honest and consistent.  We give them the gift of being with a group of people who can do something for them that we cannot.   Once they know they are in safe hands, they begin to loosen the grip of the battle energy they took on in the family, and they begin to unwind into a more relaxed and authentic version of themselves.  They are in a program with people who know how to be authentic and trust their gift of leading an angry adolescent into himself or herself.  I believe these staff members are the lucky ones for they get to witness the magic of a young man or young woman unfolding with every day. 

While someone else is helping your child calm down into their authentic self, you get to take the time to do the same for yourself.  Here is a real nugget for you.  Your child always knew who you truly were, inside.  They inherently see the inner you, and they chose you to guide them in this life, to lead them, to steward them into adulthood.

For us, we are left at home with an empty bedroom way earlier than we ever planned.  There is silence and the absence of drama, yes, and there is also the ache of the memory of seeing your child in the different rooms of the house, remembering the funny things they used to do, and images of our beautiful child keep popping into our head and hearts randomly throughout the days.  There is a grief that takes over that life will not be the same.  It is true, it will not.  It will not ever be the same…. and this is a good thing.

As parents, we hope we are doing a good job.  We hope we are doing a better than we probably are, and we hope no one else sees us struggle.  We struggle with many of the new roles we take on such as financial providers, organizing other people, facing lots of surprises and challenges, and adults who understand life.  Who actually understands life?  When we are really honest with ourselves, we know we really don’t understand, we just keep trying to do the best we can.  We do know there are layers and many forms of self-denial about how lost we really are.  Perhaps we are good at making money, but suck at relationships?   Maybe we bury ourselves in all our relationships so we don’t have to feel our own feelings?  Maybe we disconnect from all of the daily emotions and feelings and just keep our head down to keep up with the frantic pace of life?  Whatever it might be, our child witnesses this.   All our children witness this.

With each passing year, they witnessed you layering up and hiding your authentic self behind work, stressful responsibilities, mistakes in relationship, and the righteousness of your ego trying to hold all of life together.  They have watched you disappear in to yourself. 

So now, with the gift of time in a program, knowing our child is safe and growing, we get a chance to hit the “redo” button of our life and take a look at who we are, who we wanted to be, what we like, and what we don’t like.  We get the opportunity to get to know ourselves again.   

You have the opportunity to match your child’s courage as they take on self-exploration, vulnerability, and emotional pain.   They have to be willing every minute of every day to experience a different way of doing relationships, of facing their snarky behavior as a cover up, and being called out on their own honesty.   There is fear, pain, and such exposure, week after week, yet they learn to trust this self-discovery and know how good it feels to get to the other side of this pain.  They learn that self-discovery is the truest thing they know. 

So the answer to what do we do when our child is in program?  We step in to ourselves.  We match our child’s courage with our own courage.  We demonstrate a willingness to submit ourselves to the same courageous path our child is on.  We use this opportunity and challenge to dig deep and go after the stories, the hidden truths.  We embrace our own  personal work with courage.  We learn to step into our most authentic self.  We begin again to see ourselves with honest eyes.  And we share this journey at the same time as our child, independently, in our own way. 

Then, when we visit our child, there is the opportunity to share honest selves with honest selves. Honest journeys with honest journeys.   This is the gift.  This is the hidden jewel, for when a small family unit, just like a small community, gathers together in truth, anything is possible.  The world becomes a beautiful place of change and growth. 

You are invited to use the precious time of program to step in…. 

Enjoy the journey!

Denise

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Creating Ways to Remember Who I AM

There are times when we “forget” who we are and struggle with how to reconnect with the magical being we know ourselves to be. 

During these times of forgetting, or feeling ourselves in reaction to the world around us, it is necessary to step out of the chaos and recalibrate ourselves back into the ability to be present and respond to life.  

There are often signals happening to let us know we are neglecting to support ourselves and we have forgotten to care for our roots.  This may look like too many overcommitted days, for others it is a series of emotional overwhelms, and for others, it might be the physical communications of aching bodies or the onset of feeling a cold approaching.   In order to make deep and affective changes in our ability to remember, we need to train ourselves to do it differently.  We need to spend some time nurturing our roots so we can stretch and grow. 

I suggest the best way to do this is when we are away from the fray of work and activity.  Use these quieter times to find our point of stillness, and slowly re-introduce this calm mastery into those areas when it is most difficult to maintain or remember. 

Here is an example.   When I was younger, with three adolescent children involved in many school and after school activities, it was easy to forget how to stay centered and in my mastery.  It was imperative to find time in the day before the chaos started after work and school, to create a balanced, centered me.   Time was difficult to find in my busy schedule.   Yet, I needed time for self nurturing, which made it the easier to bend and respond to the needs of clients, family, my own scheduled events, and stay in balanced energy. 

To create time for myself, I walked.  I got up early, before the rest of the house was awake, and took the dog and myself for a long walk.  We did a 3 mile loop, down the street to the river trail.  This took me along both banks and across two bridges, and back up the steep trail to home.  I made sure there were no distractions with me, no phone, no music, no one to talk to…just me.  With each step I let go of the lists in my head and released the monkey mind, let it untangle from all the pressure of the day ahead.  The only focus was on my breath, my footsteps, the trees and sounds of the river, and the colors of the sunrise.  I took time at the first bridge to stop and breathe out all the thoughts that did not work for me, giving them to the river.  Sauntering back to the house at the end of the walk, there was fullness in my soul and I was in my body and at peace….Alive, alert, and open to what lie ahead.  I felt empowered and curious about the day.  I felt…..that was the most important part.  I felt my body and my presence in it.

I successfully created a bridge from my true self to my outer life by anchoring myself deeply and feeling the roots of my essence deep into the earth.   I taught myself with each day, with each walk, that I was here, solid, open, and ready for what was possible that day like a tree in full bloom. 

As we uncover the depth of our skills and gifts of the light and love we have inside, we will have challenges to how we hold our light open and be truly receptive to being the vehicle we know we are.  Whether it is family and kids, or work, health, or the constantly shifting energies of these times we can reach down into ourselves and coax our true self forward.  This takes intention and practice.  Here is a way to break it down into simple steps

Steps for creating consistent light.

1.       Notice when your stressors are present and where chaos resides in your day.  Is there a pattern?

2.       Identify the ways that stressors can create chaos and how it feels in your body and what your triggers might be.  Is this physical within your body, environmental, or person oriented?

3.       Notice where there are spaces of time available around these stress areas.  What times are under your control?

4.       Start small and create some free, non stress time to cultivate internal peace, confidence, and trust in your gifts.  Pay attention to what opens you up to inner peace and what relaxes you into your body.

5.       Practice the tools of creating peace and transfer these tools into the stressful times.  Transfer your peace into the chaos.

6.       Pay attention.  Notice what blocks you from transferring the peace.  Notice what calms the chaos.  Notice, adjust, build, and feel.  

7.       From this place of balance, hold steady and step further into leadership, step into your full ability of being.                                                          

As we ground in the tools that stabilize us and use them, they hold us steady.  When we are steady, we are open and receptive beings of light, shining out in all directions….like the glimmering leaves on a beautiful tree, dancing in the sunshine, spreading joy to all that encounter us.  To me, this is the essence of being a fully present being.

Shimmer on.

Denise 

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Embracing simplicity, moving the soul into presence

In the early 1990’s there was a wonderful movement inspired by a book written by Duane Elgin called Voluntary Simplicity.  His book focused on rebirthing the concept of simplicity much honored by Henry David Thoreau and his experiences living on Walden Pond almost a hundred and fifty years earlier.   Both Thoreau and Elgin valued the ability to step away from the distractions of the busy life, create quiet space, and focus on what really matters.  Both men wrote about how lifestyle changes on the outside create a path to consciousness and awareness.

I embraced the Voluntary Simplicity movement in 1995 and spent years with many passionate writers and leaders teaching classes, presenting at conferences, writing and co-hosting a radio show on creating simple practices of identifying a path of conscious consumption, evaluating how to physically downsize in ways that could lead to spiritual connection and relationship deepening.  It was a wonderful time and yet, it was not the right time.  How could it be?  We were trying to tap our audiences on the shoulder and ask them to downsize in a decade of supersizing!  During the ‘90’s our western culture was more interested in supersized meals, buying homes with low mortgage rates, using tax discounts for mega ton vehicles, and encouraging us to spend, desire more things, and focus on what we could build and accumulate.  After years of trying to create changes, the Voluntary Simplicity movement moved to the back burner.

Now, as we navigate our path forward through 2013 after the Shift, and we are all learning how to adjust out of a dependence on doing, into the divine feminine energy of being, it feels like it is time to embrace the beauty of simplicity.  It is time to re-evaluate how we can create a conscious way of living. It is time to look at how life can happen more organically, from within…from our consciousness.

If you are aware of the predominance of doing in your life and you are yearning for access to your deeper being, to your soul, here are a couple of ideas on how to discover a quieter, simpler way of being.

1. Take a few moments to assess your participation in the outer doings of the world.  Do you have long work hours?  Do you feel exhausted?  Do you have too many responsibilities?  When you are not at work, what does your time off work feel like?  Is it jammed packed with social engagements, chores, tasks and activities?  Is your home filled with the TV, computer, music, and the incessant input of distractions?   Is there time in all of this for you to access some quiet time to getting to know the inner you?

2. Carve out time for quiet and inner stillness, start small and slowly build some time to invite your calm presence to emerge for the inner and outer noise.  One suggestion is to take a walk before you start your day, or after a full day, without headphones, without your cell phone, without someone to talk to, with only yourself.   Another idea is to spend some time outside.  When you get home, slip off your shoes and head outside to slowly water the plants after a long day at work.  When you are outside, pay attention to your senses.  Let nature reacquaint you with yourself. Use your senses to become completely present.  What does the grass feel like under your feet?  Can you hear the buzz of the bees, or the call of a bird?  Can you smell the flowers, the trees?  Is there a breeze? What color is the sky? Can you touch the petal of a plant, or the bark of a tree?

3. As you are walking or hanging outside, feel yourself expand, stay with the quiet, stay in that stillness and pay attention.  Lean in and become curious to what is there.  Ask it questions and notice what comes up for you.  Pay attention to what opens you up and what distances you from your inner being.  Follow the lead from within.  The bottom line is that your inner presence is there, with a soft voice, and this is your opportunity to create the space and time for you to get to know this voice, to feel this voice.  

4. As you carve out the essential time for yourself and the joy and comfort levels increase with your relationship with your soul, pay attention to how you automatically make choices to create a quieter place at home, in your car, in your office.  Expand this happiness into how you take yourself out in the world.  It is my experience that when I am in sync with my soul, my outer needs fall into step with my inner needs.  Busyness seems less appealing than stepping outside and observing the full moon.  Cleaning and managing all my things becomes tedious, and I wonder what I am doing with all this stuff?  I have found myself seeking to create deeper relationships with others who want to include both me and my soul presence.  

Being in partnership with our soul, feeling the love possible, being in the moment and enjoying life, this is why we are here.  It is this inner peace and soul presence that guides us forward.  Taking the time to nurture this beautiful relationship is a gift we give ourselves and it is a gift we give the world.  When we are in sync with our soul, we chisel open opportunities, we let go of what shades or blocks our ability to shine, we connect with the greater collective, and we line up with our greater purpose.  Life becomes more effortless, and joy resides within us.  In this place we know the simple beauty of living in a world that moves in tandem with us.  We experience how others step into tandem with us and we shift how we live, how we consume, how we love, how we work, and how we envision a future.  We create what blooms within and around us.

This is how I see a simplicity movement.  Starting from within and moving forward in partnership with our true self…Moving the soul forward.  Forward into a new vision on how we live on this Earth.

Living simply, everyday, by choice.

Denise

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