After reading several wonderful weekly and monthly reports about what is going on energetically this month, I am aware that with Pluto and Uranus pulling at us, we are all still being asked to dig deep and take a look at some of those stubborn old wounds or sticky patterns of ours that are refusing to coming loose very easily. As a woman who coaches the soul into deeper awareness, I feel it in my clients. I hear about it from my tribe of other coaches working in the realms of intuition and soul awareness. We are all observing how these old pieces deep within each of us are begging for attention and causing all sorts of complications and physical pains present in their lives. Mine included.
Finally, it was time to sit myself down and open to these powerful planets and see what might want to surface within me… Do some self discovery on what was within me that may desire some attention. Low and behold, the first feeling that came up was my pervasive worrying about money and lack of feeling connected to abundance, especially financial abundance. Just below these feelings was the word co-dependent. These two seemingly separate concepts have presented themselves in different forms to me for years and seeing them together was a bit overwhelming at first, yet, as I invited them to talk to me, this beautiful, neutral, compassionate story unfolded.
I am a wise, strong, and courageous woman, and I can be full of bravado at times. A great deal of that external blasting of energy is aimed at covering up the consistent feelings of not knowing myself, seeing myself clearly, or seeing my worth. Underneath my exterior, I struggle to know or trust who I am. Instead, I like to be in relationships with people who see me, and then, through their eyes, I have glimpses of who I am.
I surround myself with men and women who shine me back at me, so I can feel connected to myself. This externalization of self has been present in me all this lifetime and the pattern is as old as my soul (taken directly from the Osho Moon card). Perhaps the dependence on seeing ourselves through another’s eyes is something that many of us experience? As an externally driven culture here in the states, it takes quite a bit of self knowledge and practice to ignore the constant mirrors around us and trust ourselves.
The experiences of these first months of 2013 have pointed out to us this dependence on the exterior world, on others, and what is asked us to gather back into ourselves …. Hence the invitations to take a deep look at where co-dependence comes from.
How are co-dependence and abundance connected? If my version of self is compiled of what I see in others, and I enjoy seeing these parts of me that I cannot see within myself, doesn’t it make sense to want to keep those “others” close by? Right next to me where I can feel connected to self, worthy, and I have meaning? These “others” have been the men I have loved, my children, my close friends, and even co-workers. They have been the other souls chosen to walk this life with me. If I am dependent on what is shown to me externally, then it makes sense that do as much as I can to keep those eyes, those mirrors, shining on me as much as possible. So I design a life around how often I get to see those mirrors. I plan my work around people that see this in me. I choose men who see the beauty in me and I step in, sharing their view, seeing my own beauty. I choose friends who provide deep conversation, real relationship, and within all of this, I know who I am.
With an attachment to the mirrors showing me myself, I am aware that I then limit how far I am willing to stray from these mirrors, these “others”. I limit how much time I will really advocate for myself and risk separation. I limit my creativity and imagination. I limit my free time and create elaborate schedules of time with my “others” so I can feel connected to myself. I limit my ability for independence, emotionally and financially. I live within the means of those I surround myself with, because I am seen. I LIMIT what I am able to create. And, I limit how I allow my life to expand and be abundant. I limit abundance in so many forms, especially financially.
Knowing this gives me great comfort. It is not good or bad, or healthy or unhealthy. It is what is, and now that I able to know on a deeper level what has driven me all these years to stay close to “others” and limit myself. I understand how and why I have chosen relationships over myself.
Now I can softly and compassionately lead myself into a place of self understanding, self awareness, and appreciation of self. These are some steps I know to take towards breaking the patterns. I can pay attention to what brings up the doubt within me. I can use tools of breath and grounding to check in. I can create feedback mechanisms to notice when I am choosing the company of others and what my motivations might be. I can use my morning meditation and journaling practice to pay attention to what wants to happen, what wants to expand and emerge. And I can begin saying YES to these ideas and possibilities more often and feel how it feels to live in abundance.
I have a path ahead allowing me to see me, and loving all the wonderful “others” for who they are, instead of what I need from them. The practice of freeing up the strings of attachment and dependence opens me up to further discover who I am here to be.
Thank you for reading my first blog!